Hello 2017

After another March snow delay (that’s 3 years in a row), the Bad Golfers Association finally got its 27th season started with the ceremonial passing of The Simian Award from the 2015 winner (The Snowman) to 2016’s champion, Commish. Just to avoid confusion, that’s The Snowman on the left, not in the center.


Each year there is tremendous anticipation as to (1) who will be the first to fail to cross the road on the infamous Road Hole; (2) who will score the first snowman of the year (an 8); (3) the first par; (4) first birdie; and, of course (5) the first double digit (a Pavoratti-10, Streckfus-11, or worse). By the end of the third hole all but the birdie question had been answered.

After a mighty season-opening swing by Mr. Fifteen we were off and running. The Snowman crossed the road on the second bounce but rolled back down into the road and his ball was last seen heading towards Hillen Road, never to be played again. Scratch #1 off the checklist. A few more bad shots and a three putts later, Frosty was in with a Streckfus…scratch #5 off. Mr. FourSkin’s putter was evidently still rusty from its long winter snooze and after another 3-putt on Hole #1 we had our first snowman of the year. Scratch #2 off the list. To everyone surprise, The Snowman jumped up on Hole #3 and recorded the first par on 2017 to be followed one shot later by a par from Mr. FourSkin, too little, too late for recognition. Scratch off #3. Now, after three rounds, we still are waiting to see who gets the first birdie. Oh well, 4 out of 5 categories check after just 3 holes, not too shabby; or maybe it is way too shabby and that’s why they are checked off. It gets so confusing trying to make lemonade out of what the BGA gives me to work with.

Mr Fifteen kick statrs the season

Mr Fifteen kick starts the season

Despite a handicap that has flatlined at 20 strokes for 9 holes, The Snowman is enjoying quaffing down many beers so far this season as he and whoever his teammate has been, keep on winning the team beer each week. This added to his low net in each of the first 2 weeks (he missed out by a single stroke of winning 3 in a row yesterday), has Frosty atop the Beer Standings with a comfortable  5 beers to 2 for Mr. FourSkin and Commish, and a single beer in Mr. Fifteen’s glass.

Maybe soon the aeration holes on the greens and the bare fairways will fill in and then we will really see just what The Bad Golfers Association is capable of. The Scribe really didn’t end that sentence with a preposition, did he?



Posted in Beer, Commish, golf results, Snowman, Streckfus Tagged with:

Driving Rain, Driving Faux-Pas, and a Streckfus

Daylight was waning as we teed off and later that night the weather service was calling for the start of a week of rain. Arriving just before tee time, Commish starts it off with a jack O.B. left almost to Hillen Road. Commish’s partner for the round, The Snowman, striped it down the fairway as usual, although still a far way from the green on the long par 5 Road Hole at Mt. Pleasant.

By the time the putts dropped, Frosty (with an El Niño—9) and Commish (with his snowman—8) had lost the first hole to a par by Mr. FourSkin and a hanger (a 7) by his partner, Mr. Fifteen. But the round was young and there was much more golf to be played before the drenching rains were to come. During the 3rd hole, which was pushed with pars, Commish revoked The Snowman’s cart driving privileges as he once again walked off following his ball and left the cart some 95 yards down range. By thecartaccident end of the 4th hole Commish and Frosty were 1 up with 5 to play. Bogeys pushed the 5th hole and it was onto the only par 3 on the front side as the sky definitely was growing more ominous. After decent shots to the green, Frosty and Commish jumped in their cart as the rain started. Almost immediately Commish knew he had made a grave faux pas as The Snowman had jumped into the driver’s seat once again. Flooring it, Frosty sent the cart into a dangerous downhill skid with nothing to the left but nothing and absolutely zero control. “If I live through this, remind me never to ride with you again,” Commish was heard to say over the rather rude laughter coming from the other cart driven by one of the Misters. Birdie putts were just missed by both Commish and Frosty but before they could complete their pars the wall of rain that Mr. FourSkin had warned was approaching, quickly overtook the foursome and they left their balls (the ones on the green) and ran to the carts for umbrellas and cover. Too late to keep from being drenched, after about 20 minutes they thought they saw a “parting of the clouds” coming their way so they all sloshed back to the green to putt out. Par-Par-Bogey-Bogey and Commish and Frosty were now up by 2 with 3 holes remaining.

The Snowman at his best

On hole #7 Commish  almost lost his driver as it slipped out of his hand and sent his drive O.B. right. The Snowman employed his cross-legged finish and drove his ball 30 x 30, 30 yards long and 30 yards left, just barely clearing a roaring stream that usually was no more than a trickle. After that, the Misters insisted that play continue because they still could win this match. Mr. Fifteen’s drive looked very similar to Commish’s but Mr. FourSkin settled down and put his ball in the fairway for a decided advantage, all of which brought broad smiles, or dare I say smirks, to their faces. When all was said and done, Commish won the hole with a double bogey 6 to the Misters pair of 7’s. Even The Snowman beat them as he also scored a hanger but got a stroke to make it a net 6. The match might have been over but the best part of the round was still to come.

As they approached the final hole, the rain finally stopped but the gloaming was truly gloomy and the course was soaked. Number 9 is the hardest hole on the front side at Mt. Pleasant. A tough 445 yard uphill hole that is lined on both sides with trees. Still to be determined was who would buy the beer at our Nineteenth Hole. At this point the net scores were Commish 43, net 34; Mr. FourSkin 43, net 34; Mr. Fifteen 47, net 38; and The Snowman 52, net 33. Commish and Mr. Fifteen were disappointed with both three putting and posting a pair of 7’s. But disappointment turned to contagious laughter as they watched Frosty and Mr. FourSkin play army golf (left, right, left, right) all the way up the hole with The Snowman ending in a greenside bunker right, and Mr. FourSkin in the bunker left. Both out of the sand and on the green and in the hole after another pair of 3-putts. Mr. FourSkin was in for a Pavoratti (a 10), his first double-digit score of the season; and, not to be outdone, The Snowman scored an 11, the highest score in the BGA this year.

But in the headline “Streckfus” was mentioned, what the hell is that? Well, in the BGA there once was a golfer, who shall remain nameless, that “never had a score higher than an 8.” That is until we made him count all of his strokes, and by golly, he had so many 11’s that, if his name was Rich Streckfus, we named a score after him. After more than a dozen 11’s in a single trip to Myrtle Beach, Mr. Streckfus has never been seen or heard from again but his infamy lives on in the annals of The Bad Golfers Association. By the way, The Snowman also has a score named after him, other than a snowman, of course since he was actually named for that score. In the BGA you can have a bogey, a double bogey and also a Levering, a score of 3 over par.




Posted in a Pavoratti, Commish, El Niño, Snowman, Streckfus

What If The Snowman Was No More?

The Snowman at his best

The Snowman at his best

Imagine a golfing world that didn’t have The Snowman in it? What if all of those opportunities to laugh and mock the futility of others in your foursome disappeared and suddenly you became the recipient of the scrutiny usually reserved for him? Thankfully that nightmare has no chance of coming true. Whew!

However. even The Snowman will have his day on the links, and Wednesday the worm turned and it didn’t get frostbite. Your Scribe had his suspicions on the very first hole, the infamous 542 yard “Road Hole.” On this hole Frosty gets 3 strokes (yes, that’s right, 3) since his handicap is a course maximum of 2o for nine holes. Drive down the center, hit, hit, hit, chip and a 1-putt gave him a bogey, net EAGLE on a hole he averages a heavy snowman-plus. Hole 2, net BIRDIE; same on #3. On the final 6 holes he finally settled down posting 5 hangers (7’s) for net bogeys and a single score of 4, net BIRDIE on the lone par 3 for a final score of 55, net 35. Still the round was more than enough for The Snowman to record a round without a single snowman…truly a momentous accomplishment and worthy of winning some FREE BEER at our 19th hole, The Crackpot Restaurant bought by Mr. Fifteen and his 50, net 41 score. Commish and Mr. FourSkin both recorded mediocre scores of 48, net 39 and as such were mere observes in this mini tournament.

Speaking of snowmen, Mr. Fifteen had the only 8 during the round bringing his season-long total to a paltry number of 7 in 24 rounds, compared to Frosty’s record-setting 32 in just 20 rounds.

For his fine round, The Snowman’s handicap has dropped for the first time in at least 4 years to a less than maximum 19 for next week’s ever-exciting tournament where the stakes will be heightened as the Race for the Simian Award and the Chee’burger dinner comes down to its final few rounds.


Posted in Beer, Chee'burger Dinner, Commish, Crackpot, Mr. Fifteen, Mr. FourSkin, Snowman

Substitute Scribe Breaks Arm Patting Himself on Back

Rodger "Mr. Fifteen" Swanson

Rodger “Mr. Fifteen” Swanson

The weather was perfect, The Snowman (BL) showed up early and Mr. FourSkin (BC) drifted in lackadaisically. The complete compliment of the BGA stood on the tee box of hole one and little did any of them know that history was about to be made. The Snowman found yet another snow and the Commish (RS) and Mr. Fifteen (CS) settled for bogies while Mr FourSkin holed a very fortunate double bogey putt. After the completion of five holes, the teams were tied and it looked like the round was good but not remarkable. Then on hole six team CS/BL won over RS/BC with a par. By the start of hole eight  it looked like Mr. Fifteen had a great round with a total of 2 over par. Finally at the completion of hole nine Mr. Fifteen ended with 3 over par (39, net 29), RS (42, net 33), BC (44, net 35), and BL (62, net 42). This entitled CS to his third cheeseburger win and the team win, too. This was CS’s second round of a net 29 this year. It appears that Mr. Fifteen is planning on setting a very high standard for the others to trail behind.

The Real Scribe Reports: Even I have to congratulate Mr. Fifteen on his record-setting 3rd chee’burger win of the year…a never-before done accomplishment. Well done, Fifteen, well done indeed.

Mr. Fifteen enjoys the spoils of victory

Mr. Fifteen enjoys the spoils of victory

Posted in Chee'burger Dinner, Commish, Mr. Fifteen, Mr. FourSkin

As the Days Dwindle Down to a Precious Few…

flounderingFathersSeptember’s first round has been posted in the books, and, depending on weather and daylight, there remains only 6 or maybe 7 rounds left this season. With this in mind, here are a few of the highlights (low-lights?) of the BGA’s first 25 rounds.

Snow claimed the first event on March 23 and there was a rain out on May 11. Those 2 days were particulary nasty as we have played through rain, sleet, snow and thunder, particularly in the early days of the year. That means the the Three Stooges and Shemp have played 23 time so far with Rodger “Mr. Fifteen” Swanson teeing it up 22 times, Bill “Mr. FourSkin” Cockey and Ron “Commish” Swanson 21, and Bill “The Snowman” Levering posting for 18 rounds, so far.

Most importantly, The Snowman has put in 31 snowmen (those are 8’s for the non-golfers reading this). He also has 10 El Niño’s (9’s) and the only 2 Pavoratti’s (10’s, named after the great TENor) so far this year. Commish and Mr. FourSkin both have 9 snowmen while Mr. Fifteen has shot a surprisingly low 6. El Niños stand at 2 for Mr. 16 and 1 each for Commish and Mr. 15.

For our 9-hole rounds the average and net scores so far are:
Commish 47.71 (37.67 net); Mr. FourSkin 47.76 (38.48 net); Mr. Fifteen 48.41 (37.73 net); and The Snowman’s 58.44 (38.44 net). These score represent less than a single stoke’s difference from top to bottom after considering our handicaps. This is reflected in the Beers Won/Lost count which stands at plus 0.50 beers for Commish and Frosty and minus 0.50 beers for the two Misters.

The team competition, however, is quite different as it seems that Mr. Fifteen does not play well with others. When The Bills are teamed against The Swansonheads it is almost a complete sweep as The Bills have won 4 and tied 1 of the 5 rounds. When The Misters are teamed together, they have managed only a single win in their 5 attempts to beat Commish and Frosty. So far the team of The Snowman and Mr. Fifteen has won 2 of the 4 matches they have played against Mr. FourSkin and Commish. If you have read this far, I know you are as confused as your humble Scribe is, so to clarify, if you have Mr. Fifteen as your teammate your record stands at 3-10-1. This translates into buying 10 beers and winning only 3 when you are unfortunate enough to have to try and carry Mr. Fifteen’s weight. A tough chore indeed.

Birdies: Mr. FourSkin—3, Mr. Fifteen—2, Commish—1, The Snowman—0
Pars: Mr. FourSkin—42, Commish—41, Mr. Fifteen—36, The Snowman—2
Greens in Regulation: Mr. FourSkin—43, Mr. Fifteen—36, Commish—34, The Snowman—8
Fairways: Mr. Fifteen—66, The Snowman—62, Commish—53, Mr. FourSkin—49

All of this means that in the Race for the Cheeseburger and the Simian Award, Commish has an almost insurmountable lead as he is +14.06% ahead of last year’s base numbers while the closest pursuer is Mr. Fifteen at +1.17%, while Frosty stands at -2.37% and Mr. FourSkin stands at -13.87%. Commish says he likes his cheeseburger very rare and the side of fries seasoned liberally with Old Bay.

CartGirlMr. Fifteen has posted the only cheeseburger-worthy rounds of the year as he won them with a net 31 on July 6 and bested that with a net 29 0n July 27. Congrats on those quality scores.

Just a few other stats to consider… Mr. Fifteen has the only 2 this season; 3’s leaders are both Misters and Commish with 11 each; 4’s are close with Commish having 39 and Mr. FourSkin 38. Mr. Fifteen leads in 5’s with 69 while Commish and Mr. FourSkin each have 63. The Snowman leads in all scores of 7 and above with 50% of his scires this year falling in that range.



Posted in a Pavoratti, Beer, Chee'burger Dinner, Commish, El Niño, Mr. Fifteen, Mr. FourSkin, Old Bay seasoning, Snowman Tagged with:

The Snowman doth cometh once again

snowmanbillArise my friend and breathe once again. The Snowman doth cometh once again. It’s alive!!!
After Frosty’s most excellent round of even par 36 (that is, after subtracting his 9-hole handicap of 20), he once again has a pulse as his Tracking Handicap has dropped from its flatline of 18.2 to a barely breathing 18.0; and with just a few more putts dropping next week he can become a 19! In short, if The Snowman can shoot a 54, net 34 he will be lower than the course maximum for the first time in over three years. I think he can, I think he can.

Mr. Fifteen is now in red numbers for the Cheeseburger race; however, Commish still has a commanding lead. While The Snowman had 5 fairways and “15” had 4, Commish only had 2 last night but he made up for it with 3 pars to a combined total of NONE from the other two, as Mr. FourSkin is still counted among the missing. Damn that chain that has him tethered to his new desk.

As you may have guessed, Frosty was the winner of a quaff of FREE BEER at the famous Crackpot last night courtesy of Mr. 15’s generosity and poor ply. Final numbers were Frosty 56, net 36, Commish 47, net 38, and Mr. Fifteen 50, net 40.

Posted in Beer, Chee'burger Dinner, Commish, Crackpot, golf results, Mr. Fifteen, Mr. FourSkin, Snowman

A Wounded Commish Buys the Beer

3 Stooges GolfMt. Pleasant GC, BALTIMORE, Aug, 10:
As the stooges of the BGA arrived for their weekly exercise in futility, there was concern about the new grip Commish was practicing. It wasn’t his usual overlap, nor an interlocking, it was weird, just plain weird. Similar to a 10-finger grip, Commish was going to step up to the tee with the seldom used 9-finger grip with his left index finger totally off the club.

It turned out that he had surgery on his finger a few days before and there were still multiple stitches running from the fingernail almost to the second knuckle. As expected, things did not go well and a gleeful “Mr. Fifteen” took advantage and was the recipient of Commish’s generosity at the tap after the round.

Other news is that Commish’s partner for the round, “Mr. FourSkin”, might have played his final round of the season as he starts a new job next week and doesn’t think he can make it to our 5:34 tee time each Wednesday afternoon.

Commish fingerThe Team of Mr. Fifteen & The Snowman soundly defeated Commish & Mr. FourSkin 5 and 3 with the final count being 6 holes won to just 1 for the losers. Final scores were Mr. Fifteen 45, net 35; The Snowman 56, net 36; Mr. FourSkin 48, net 39; and the woeful Commish’s 50, net 41.

All your Scribe can say is at least Commish posted although it might have been better to at least try out his new-fangled 9-finger grip before teeing it up.

Posted in Uncategorized

Your Faithful Scribe Apologizes

The last few weeks have been eventful for your Scribe. So much so that he has neglected his duties to faithfully chronicle the weekly shootouts in the BGA. In his defense, there was a vacation and the birth of a grandchild lumped in there along with his shooting an anemic “Heintz 57” during a 9-hole round that provided more than enough reason to forego filing his usual fast, accurate, and inciteful reports. He is sorry, just not very. Dilligaf.

Now onto last week’s round which, again, with played in damp and rainy weather. At least this time the temperature had soared into the high 50’s so 3 out of four golfers posted wearing shorts with only Commish not baring his pearly whites. Could that be the reason he was drinking all of the FREE BEER after the round?

The Snowman has firmly solidified his nickname with an almost unbelievable total of 8 snowmen, 4 Hangers (7’s),  and an El Niño (9) in his last 18 holes. Is there a more apt nickname in all of golfdom?

With the sloppy conditions and the equally sloppy golf so far this season, the handicap spread of our intrepid quartet has narrowed considerably with Mr. FourSkin going from being an 8 to now being a 10 playing like a 15; Mr. Fifteen moving from his initial handicap of 10 to now being an 11; Commish finally dropping from being an 11 to now being a perfect 10; and, of course, The Snowman capping out at a maximum handicap of 20 for 9 holes and needing to shoot somewhere around 6 to even begin to get a pulse.

That about wraps up the first 2 months of our season. Please, dear Golf Gods, deliver us at least a few Wednesdays without rain, snow, or hail.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Snowman Subs for Our Scribe

The Snowman 2011 Winner

The Snowman
2015 Winner

With Commish away on vacation, Cousin Ed Adams (once mistakenly thought to be Edie) joined Mr. FourSkin (BC), Mr. Fifteen (CS) and The Snowman (BL) for a cool round of 9 at Mt. Pleasant. Despite barely clearing the road on # 1, BL recorded another solid round to claim the prize of a pint of fine lager from The Crackpot. BC enjoyed the only sub 50 round of the day with a 48 and registered three pars. Ed with only  one par,  battled with Mr. Fifteen for the honor of buying the beer, but CS with the only snowman of the day on # 9, clinched the honor of buying the Snowman his game winning beer. It was a rare feat that The Snowman did not record a single snowman during the round, snapping a streak of 21 consecutive snow covered rounds going back to May 6, 2015. However he did enjoy the honor of having a hat trick of Hangmen. In the team competition BL and CS defeated BC and Ed in a closely contested match. With the return of Commish next week, the competition hopefully looks to heat up as we turn the page of the calendar to May. CS with an ankle injury is listed as questionable and looks to be a game time decision.

a postscript from The Scribe:
Pictured to the left is The Snowman showing off his Simian Award, given for the most improved golfer in the entire BGA. This prestigious award was handed to him from 2014’s winner, Mr. FourSkin. Unlike my former Labrador Retriever who won the Most Improved in his dog training class tow straight times, no one has won this most coveted trophy 2 years in a row. Good Luck, Frosty!

Posted in Commish, Crackpot, golf results, Snowman

April 20…Bad Things Happen From the Fairway

The Commish

The Commish

As every BGA’er knows, very few good things happen from the fairway. For instance, today Bill “Mr. FourSkin” Cockey managed to hit 2 fairways. On The Road Hole (#1 on the scorecard) he hit 235 yards down the middle and then proceeded to record a double bogey 7. After deftly avoiding the rest of the fairways, he came to the final hole, #9, the toughest on the course, 445 yards straight uphill. A not-so-prodigious drive of 205 yards left him with a long approach that didn’t go so well and, after 3 putts, he recorded his only “snowman” of the round, a quadruple bogey. Of course, the fact that he had hit the wrong fairway with his drive might have had a little something to do with it, too!

Knowing all of this, Ron “Commish” Swanson managed to avoid all of the fairways and, of course, recorded his best round of the young season (a 44, net 33 with 3 greens in regulation  and 4 pars) and was rewarded with a FREE BEER compliments of Mr. FourSkin  and his 50, net 41 (with 4 GIRs and 3 pars).

Rodger “Mr. Fifteen” Swanson played a steady round hitting 3 fairways, 2 GIRs and 2 pars and recorded a 46, net 36. This was good enough to tie Bill “The Snowman” Levering for a silver medal as he hit 4 fairways, managed to miss all 9 greens, and putted his way to 0 pars and scored a 56, net 36.


Posted in Beer, Commish, Mr. Fifteen, Mr. FourSkin, Snowman
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
   ~ Jack Benny