Golf Humor

Hopefully, copyright laws are not being broken,
but we intend to post the best of what our kindred souls send us that passes for “golf humor.”

Following is a funny that hits much too close to the heart and soul of the BGA:
It was a sunny morning, a little before 7:00 a.m., on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loud speaker: “Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!!”

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: “Would the MAN on the WOMAN’S tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”

I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: “WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMAN’S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE, PLEASE!!!”

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back… “WOULD THE ASSHOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!!”

THIS SIGN IS POSTED AT A SMOKY MOUNTAIN GOLF CLUB IN WHITTIER, NORTH CAROLINA
Back straight, knees bent, shoulder width apart.
Form a loose grip.
Keep your head down.
Avoid a quick backswing.
Stay out of the water.
Try not to hit anyone.
If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
Don’t stand directly in front of others.
Quiet please…… while others are preparing to go.
Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done!
Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.

From Karen
Toward the end of the round of golf, Fred hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond Fred.
Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball. In a pique of anger, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch. All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life; as a matter of fact, you won’t have any butter for anything the rest of your life!”
Then POOF!…she was gone.
After Fred recovered, he hollered for his friend, “Harry!….Harry!…where are you?”
Harry yells, “I’m over here, in the pussy willows.”
Fred screams back….”FOR GODS SAKE DON’T SWING!!! DON’T SWING!!!”

From Alan…”Winning Golf Strategies”
Dear Friends,
You may not know it but I have been very busy over the past two years putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book about Golf. I am very proud of the results and in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to be the first to own a copy.
Here is the Table of Contents from my new book: ‘Winning Golf Strategies,’ which I believe gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my own years of experience in the game and observations of golfing partners.
Table of Contents:
Chapter 1 – How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 – How to Hit a Nike from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 – How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker
Chapter 4 – How to Get More Distance Off the Shank
Chapter 5 – When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 – Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 – When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 – Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 – How to pee Behind a 4′ x 4′ Post Undetected.
Chapter 10 – How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round
Chapter 11 – How to explain that you found your ball that everyone else saw go in the water
Chapter 12 – How to deal with the fact that Your Spouse Doesn’t Care That You Birdied the 5th.
Chapter 13 – How to Gracefully Let a Foursome Play Through Your Twosome
Chapter 14 – How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three Off the Tee
Chapter 15 – When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 16 – God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt
Chapter 17 – When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever
Chapter 18 – Use a Strong Grip on the Hand Wedge and a Weak Slip on the Foot Wedge.
Chapter 19 – Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 A Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip especially when she is wearing a tank top, but Will Balk At $3.50 at the 19th Hole And then Stiff the Bartender . . . .

Hopefully you will find my book intriguing and purchase a copy.

MAROONED
(a shaggy dog story worth reading)
A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.” The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” he blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.” “It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end inside a swivel mechanism. “This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve been out here for many months. You’ve been lonely. There’s something I’m sure you really feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for?” She stares into his eyes. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean,…” he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes, “…don’t tell me you’ve built a Golf Course!”

One comment on “Golf Humor
  1. An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The
    Doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “How do
    you stay in such great physical condition?”
    “I’m Italian and I am a golfer,” says the old guy, “and that’s why
    I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up
    and down the fairways. Have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
    “Well,” says the doctor, “I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be
    more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?”
    “Who said my Dad’s dead?”
    The doctor is amazed. “You mean you’re 80 years old and your Dad’s
    still alive!! How old is he?”
    “He’s 100 years old,” says the old Italian golfer. “In fact he golfed
    with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a
    walk, that’s why he’s still alive … he’s Italian and he’s a golfer
    too.”
    “Well,” the doctor says, “that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to
    it than that. How about your Dad’s Dad? How old was he when he died?”
    “Who said my grandpa’s dead? He’s still a-kick’n.”
    Stunned, the doctor asks, “You mean you’re 80 years old and your
    grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
    “He’s 118 years old,” says the old Italian golfer.
    The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went
    golfing with you this morning too?”
    “No. Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married
    today.”
    At this point the doctor is close to losing it. Getting married!!
    why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
    “Who said he wanted to?”

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